Conflict 101 - Part 2

Scripture Reading

Will you open your Bibles with me to Ephesians chapter 4. Ephesians chapter 4, this is part 2 of a 2 part sermon on conflict in the church. Conflict just in relationships in general, not just in the church, I'm sorry. So this could be in marriages, it could be in friendships, it could be in the church, it could be between brothers and sisters. So this is conflict 101, part two. We'll read from Ephesians chapter four, beginning at verse 17. Ephesians chapter four, beginning at verse 17. Brothers and sisters, this is God's word.

This I say therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their minds, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart, who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness to work all uncleanness with greediness.

But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard of Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus. that you put off concerning your former conduct the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind that you may put on the new man which was created according to God in true righteousness and holiness.

Therefore, putting away lying, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another. Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give to him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for necessary edification, that it might impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ Jesus forgave you.

Prayer for Illumination

The grass withers and the flower fades, but the word of our God endures forever. Let's pray. Father, we thank you that we have read your word and it is true. Lord, we pray that it might be like the sweetest of honey in our mouths, like the riches of gold in our souls. Father, we pray now that as we have difficulties in relationships, Lord, we pray that Your Word might be our rule for faith in life. Lord, we pray that Your Spirit would work the truths of Your Word in our hearts in such a way that we would know how Jesus has taught us. And that by the power of Your Spirit, we might be able to live it out.

Sermon

We pray for Your help now in this hour. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. Well, we stepped right into it last week with admitting all of us have problems with each other. All of us come into contentions, right? Marriages have fights. Siblings don't get along. You have difficulty with your co-workers. And can you believe it? There's people in the church whom you may not actually like. It happens. But how do we deal with those conflicts in a Christian way? If we're no longer to walk as the Gentiles do in the darkness of their minds, what are we supposed to do? How do we respond to one another? How do we have conflict in a Christian way? Well, I proposed to you a few things last time we met, two weeks ago, about different categories for sin, or for conflict, right?

As you wrestle with each other, there's going to be areas where you just need to overlook somebody's offense, right? That's to your glory, to overlook an offense. If it's not something sinful, it's just annoying, overlook it. Another category, there's conflict that you do need to step into and you need to work through it.

These are overcoming. There's going to be conflicts where you need to overcome the conflict, remembering you're not enemies, but working through this together to overcome the problem, not the other person. And then the last category was that category of overwhelming, where this is such a big issue, the problem is so deep that it's overwhelming to you, and you may need to get outside help. Counselors or people in the church or other outsiders to help you work through this overwhelming issue.

And then we talked about some of those communication killers. There are things that you can do which will just end the conversation right now. If you're going to start using overgeneralizations, well, you're always doing. Well, you never do. Those types of things will not continue the conversation, but they'll kill it. There are other things you can do to kill the conversation and derail. Reconciliation, like calling somebody names, or just not even allowing them to talk, constantly interrupting them.

And so we worked through a whole bunch of those types of things today, or last time we met, and today I want us to continue on with this, and we're going to start with, if we're going to have real communication, we've got to learn how to listen. We've got to learn how to listen. If we're going to work through difficulties together, we need to learn how to listen.

James 1.19 tells us, So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

For the wrath of man does not accomplish the righteousness of God. My mom used to say, Brian, you need to stop having diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain. It's a nasty way to think about it, but the point was, you need to have two ears and one mouth. The Lord gave you a disproportionate amount of ears to mouth for a reason.

We need to hear twice as much as we speak. And so we need to learn how to be good listeners. Proverbs 20 verse 5 talks about it's to the glory of a man to be able to draw out the deep waters of somebody's heart. And so we want to be good listeners. And to do that, I'm going to propose to you six different things that will help you to be a good listener, right? Let everyone be quick to listen. So how do you listen?

Well, first is I'd encourage you to listen without distractions. I'm going to encourage you, if you really want to listen to someone, do not pull out your cell phone during the conversation. If you really want to show someone, I'm listening to you, I'm intent on listening to you, turn off the television. Get rid of the distractions. Get rid of the things that can... This is one of the things. When Olivia and I go to a restaurant and we're going on a date.

Actually, it just happened last week. We sat down in Kelowna. We went to the midwife and we went to mom watch the kids so we can go on a date. And we sat there and one of my worst nightmares happened. We sat there and right as I sat there was a TV directly behind Olivia's head.

And I thought, oh boy, this isn't going to be good. So I looked behind me thinking, can we switch seats? And there was a TV behind me, too. And I thought, oh no, this is horrible. And there was a few times she was like, yeah, I can tell you're distracted by the TV behind me, right? Because there's this flashing screen wanting your attention.

Try to get rid of the distractions if you're going to pay attention to someone. That's a key thing in learning to listen. Also, and number two, try to fix the problem, not the person. If you're going to try to communicate with somebody, try to get at what the problem is. We talked about one of the things that will kill a conversation, kill reconciliation, is if you are attacking that person's character rather than attacking the problem together. So as you're hearing them, there's two different ways you can be thinking about this. I just wish they would just be quiet and I don't know why they're so mad at this and I wish they would just change it. rather than, okay, hold on, there's an issue, there's a problem, what are they communicating about this problem that is in between us? Try to get at what the problem is and not the character of the person you're talking with.

Number three, feel what they are feeling. Sympathy. We need to cultivate in our hearts, Ephesians chapter four, we'll get there in a moment, talks about us being tenderhearted toward one another. It's really hard to listen to someone if you don't care about how they're feeling at all.

And there's a huge part of when people are communicating, what they're trying to express to you is what's going on inwardly, what's going on in their mind and in their heart. As they're feeling difficulties or discords, they may be trying to express to you frustration or anger or overwhelm or stress. You're trying to understand what's going on and what would make them feel the way they're feeling. Often when we start getting into conflict and anger, The anger is just the tip of the iceberg.

We're trying to figure out what's going on underneath and what are they feeling and how do we get at understanding them and getting there. Number four, suspend judgment. If you're going to be in a real conversation with someone, you got to let them actually finish what they're trying to say. I'm just going to be really generalized and categorical here. Maybe it's not true for every man, but a lot of us, as soon as we think we got the answer to the problem, we stop listening.

Proverbs 18.3 says, to answer before listening, that is folly and shame. Try to listen through the entire person's opinion, thought process, And suspend judgment, right? Don't think, well, I'm necessarily right, or they're necessarily wrong, but just wait. Hear it all the way out. Try to figure out what's going on. Suspend judgment. Number five. Well, this is one of the things that I found very helpful with Olivia. You don't have to do it.

There's a way to do this in which it's very demeaning, but if you're doing it in a right-hearted way, I think it's helpful. Summarize what they're saying back to them. This is a very helpful thing because sometimes what will happen in a conversation is you just start talking past each other rather than talking with each other. And sometimes Olivia will say something and what I hear, what I thought came out of her mouth is totally different than what she said. And so sometimes it's helpful after that other person is done to stop and say, so what you're saying is... and try to make sure you've accurately assessed the situation by the way they see it. So summarizing what you're hearing can be very helpful.

Now, like I said, there's a way to do that demeaningly, right? If you're ready to just have more fights, so what you're saying is, avoid that, right? That's not what I'm telling you to do. Honestly listen, sympathetically, trying to get at what their point is, and then make sure you understand it clearly. And then lastly, number six, ask clarifying questions. You said this, but what do you mean by? When you say this, do you mean? And try to ask clarifying questions.

It shows that you're actually interested in what they're saying and trying to make sure that you're getting their side correct. So as we communicate with one another and we have conflict with one another, we need to learn to listen. But we also need to learn when it is time to speak, we speak with grace we need to learn to speak with grace Ephesians 4 29 let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth but what is good for necessary edification that it may impart grace to the hearers just a helpful kind of litmus test real quick before you say something.

This is something we regularly have to work in in our house. Are you doing two things? Are you imparting grace? And are you building up edification? When somebody builds a house, they may make an edifice, a wall that's meant to bear weight. Are you building somebody up with what you're about to say?

Or are you tearing them down? If it's just words to tear them down, Those aren't words that the Lord would want you to say. And I'm not saying you need to overlook problems. What I'm saying is even if you're saying something and you're trying to point out a sin with somebody else, why are you doing it? Are you doing it because you want to build them up? Or are you doing it because you want to rip them down? Question your motives. Am I saying this to impart grace to them? Or am I saying this because I want to spew whatever feelings I have outwardly? So one, am I building them up? And two, am I showing them grace? Am I speaking words full of grace?

This is easy to tell you what to do, hard to do it in the heat of the moment, right? Because we're talking about conflict. I have yet to see a child, right, when they're in the heat of conflict and they're fighting with one another and they're arguing with one another, for one of them to go, whoa, whoa, hold on, I didn't say that graciously. Let me try that again.

But yet that's what God is calling us to do, to do something that is unnatural, right? To turn our conversation away from the way we would naturally want to say things to the way that Jesus has taught us to say. And this is exactly what Ephesians 4 said, "...if indeed you have heard him and have been taught by him as the truth is in Jesus, that you put off concerning your former conduct the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lust." Right?

We're not to act like we naturally want to in the old man. But instead we speak with grace. and to build others up. So how do, some other ways we do this. So number one, after we get past that litmus test of is this building people up and imparting grace, number one is, again, avoid over generalizations.

As you speak, it is not gracious to attack someone with words like, you always do, you never listen, every time we go here, you always, right? No, you're, it's not going to impart grace. Practical step number two of speaking with grace is be wise about when you're going to bring stuff up. Be wise about when you are going to bring stuff up.

Now, when Olivia and I were wedding photographers, there were times where she knew it was not the right time to talk to me. And what I mean by that is, when it got to be about 5.15, and we had been working all day and I was just tired as all could be and I hadn't eaten for hours and hours. Sometimes she would walk up and she would just give me a granola bar and say, I think you need this love. because she knew that right then what I was was I was just hangry. I was calorie deficit and she needed to help me get some calories in and then she would be able to say, hey, by the way, I think we need to do X, Y, and Z. But she knew that if I was just trying to get stuff done, I was just hangry. That was not the right time to bring something up. I've learned that in our marriage, It is not a good time at somewhere like 10.50 or 11.30 to try to come into conflict with Olivia.

Why? Because that's the heat of homeschool. She's just been wrestling with the kids all morning long. And if I think I'm going to have a productive conflict relationship with Olivia in a godly way when she's just been fighting with a bunch of little kids, I'm outside my right mind.

That's not the right time to start bringing up something I know is going to be a conflict between us. Try to evaluate in your marriage and in your relationships, in your relationships with your siblings, in your relationships with your parents, with your boss or your co-workers, right? Is this the right time to enter into this conflict? Also that is, along with that, is making sure you create the right environment for conflict. create the right environment for conflict.

I remember just not too long ago, I went to a gas station. And in the gas station, there were two adults standing outside, and you could tell they were a family, and they're screaming at each other outside at the gas station. And I sat there and I thought, how productive is this to their relationship? While everybody else is watching, they're both going to dig in their heels more and more because they need to be able to shut down the argument in front of everyone.

Wrong place, wrong time. Another place that, this is my feeling often, and I think a way in which we rob our children of stability in the home is when spouses decide that they're gonna fight in front of their kids. If you're going to start, I have a bone to pick and we're going to deal with this right now. I don't care that the kids are in the room. I don't care that they're going to be there to hear this. Be careful about the environment in which you decide to enter into conflict.

If you're going to speak with grace, I'd encourage you to express what's actually going on in your heart. And you can just call this feelings if you want, you can call it emotions, I don't care what you call it. You got stuff going on in here and in here, and you need to get it out. But you need to be able to say, not just screaming at someone, yeah they can tell you're angry, but it's helpful if you actually express those words.

You know, I'm getting pretty angry because... I'm feeling like this is, I'm getting overwhelmed or attacked because... You know, I know that you feel that way, but at work there's so much going on that I feel like I'm drowning in stress and responsibility.

Unless you open up to the person you're talking to about what's going on in your inner person, they have no clue. They may be able to look outwardly and wonder, but unless you open your mouth and you express, hey look, I'm just exhausted lately. So I'm sorry you feel like I've been a bum around the house. I just, I've been burnt out. And I feel like I'm entering into the season where I just need a little bit of rest. Can you be patient with me?

There are times in which a wife may be able to say to her husband, hey, look, I'm just feeling so overwhelmed with all the responsibilities and all the child rearing and all the logistics of the household. I just feel like I need a break because I'm about to break. Your husband may be able to feel that stress, but unless you speak it, it's difficult for people to put their hands around it. So try to put words or names, whether it's overwhelmed or tired, hurt, frustrated, hungry, anxious.

Try to put names to it. When you're communicating with one another, I'd like to encourage you from Ephesians 5, 14, as well as 1 Peter 3, 9. We're going to look at that in a second. Don't play tit for tat. You know what this is like in a relationship, don't you? Right? When it's like insult for insult cycle. When it's, oh yeah, you hurt me, so I'm going to say something that hurts you. Or you did this, so I'm going to do this.

Ephesians 4.15 says, But speaking the truth in love may grow up in all things into him who is the head Christ.

1 Peter 3.8-9 says, Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another. And notice here, love his brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous, not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, blessing. There's a way in which when we've been wounded, sometimes we get sucked into the cycle where, oh yeah, you did this, so I'm going to respond in this sinful way as well.

Or you treated me badly here, so I'm going to neglect you over here. There's ways in which we can hurt each other. And I'd encourage you as you feel that impulse, that deep desire, by the way, that's the old man, right? I'm gonna be the avenger of wrongs.

Slow down. Slow down, remember the person that you're in contact with, especially as it's within the family, or the family of God, or within personal relationships. Remember, these are not people who are your enemies. Remember, to be tender-hearted and courteous. Remember, that person's not your enemy. Husbands, you didn't marry your enemy. Wives, you may have married a bonehead and a sinner, but he's not your enemy. Boys, girls, God gave you your brothers and your sisters. They're not your enemies.

So remember who they are. Restrain your first impulse. If your first impulse is to sin or to revile, to repay evil for evil, ask God to help you with that. If you know that this is something you're used to, ask the Holy Spirit to work in your heart in such a way that you would, instead of repaying evil for evil, you would stop, and instead you would show a blessing. Some of you, though, are like, Brian, that's easy for you to say, right?

You don't know just how bad he is, or just how sinful she is. I didn't even make a major caveat here, right? When we're talking about all of this, I'm not telling you that if you were in an abusive relationship, you need to endure that abusive relationship.

That's one of those overwhelmed categories that I'm not telling you to just overlook outright abuse. That's one of those areas where you need to go find help. You can talk to the elders, you can go find a counselor, maybe you need to call 9-1-1 even. There is a place to get help in abusive relationships.

I'm not talking about abuse here, but what I'm saying is all of us are depraved. We believe, as Reformed Christians, in total depravity. I'm sinful in my marriage. And I'm sorry, I know the ways in which I have been tempted to sin, and so I'm not surprised by any wife who comes to me and says, but you don't understand, he's like... He's like what? Adam? Yeah. But you don't understand, she's just this...

No, we hold to a doctrine of humanity that we understand people are capable of all sorts of sin. just because they're sinful doesn't give us the right to act as the avenger. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. I will repay. We're able to take it to the Lord and even sometimes just say, Lord, you got to deal with them. Because if I deal with them right now, it's just going to cause more and more and more heartache. Don't play tit for tat. Speak the truth in love.

Jesus himself taught us in Matthew chapter 5 verse 44, But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use and persecute you. Man, that sounds so different than our culture today, isn't it? Jesus tells us, you want to know how you get out of this tit-for-tat cycle, out of this insult-for-injury cycle? You take a stop, you take a step back, and you say, my spouse, my sibling, that other person in the church, I know what they do deserve. But I know what I deserve too, and God blessed me instead of cursing me. So I'm going to love them like Jesus, and I'm going to step back, and I'm going to bless them instead. Break the tit-for-tat cycle.

Now I want to spend the last few minutes we have talking about forgiveness. Let's learn about seeking forgiveness. James chapter 5 verse 16 says, Did you notice that? I've never made that connection before. Confess your trespasses to one another and pray for one another. Right? That's a command from the Lord to us. Confess and pray for those people who have sinned against you. Why? That you may be healed. That you may be healed. There is a blessing in forgiveness. The root idea of forgiveness is releasing someone or something. So when you try to forgive, let me encourage you that you need to name your sin. You need to name it.

One of the things that happens in our household regularly is the children will come and they'll go to Olivia and they'll say, I'm sorry, mom. And the very next thing, I know what's going to happen. Sorry for what? What are you sorry for? What are you asking forgiveness for? If you're going to go to somebody, you're going to ask for forgiveness, name the thing that you have offended them.

I love the Westminster Confession of Faith on this. Westminster Confession of Faith, chapter 15, paragraph 5 says, Men ought not to content themselves with a general repentance, but it is every man's duty to endeavor to repent of his particular sins particularly. If I go to God, I'm able to say, God, please forgive me of my sins, but I'm going to encourage you to repent of specific sins specifically. There are sins in your life that you know you need to take to the Lord, and you need to say, God, forgive me for, and you give Him an exact address for your sin.

I know one that I had to take to Him just this week. Lord, forgive me for treating my body like a trash can. Please help me with self-control when I eat. Right? What is it that you have offended that person with? What is that sin that you need to take to that person and say, I sinned against you in this way. Will you forgive me? Name it. And by doing that, you show that you own it. Number two, take responsibility for your sin. I will tell you that every single good apology or request for forgiveness is ruined by a three-letter word. B-U-T.

I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, but... Will you forgive me for doing this? I know it hurt you, but... You know what comes after the but? Blame or self-justification. Every time there's an apology and the word but is in it, it's always followed by either calling out the other person for what they did, you're back in the tit-for-tat, or a self-justification. Don't ruin a good apology by the word but. Also, when you apologize and you seek forgiveness, try to feel it.

Understand that you're the one who caused them to feel this way or think this way or suffer in this way. This doesn't mean that you necessarily have to agree with everything that they're feeling, but you can understand, I'm the one who caused it. Now, this is... I'm not going to take this for granted, right? Number four in seeking forgiveness. Get those words out of your mouth. You got to actually say it. You gotta actually say it.

Again, the Westminster Confession of Faith, the next paragraph, paragraph six of chapter 15. He that scandalizes his brother or the church of Christ ought to be willing by a private or public confession and sorrow for his sin to declare his repentance to those who are offended. Notice, declare his repentance to those that are offended, who are thereupon to be reconciled to him and in love receive him. If you're going to want to see actual reconciliation through conflict, when you go for forgiveness, you've got to actually say it.

I sinned against you. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? I gotta tell you, if you do all of that, it can still be worth goose egg. It could still be worth nothing. Because the last part of learning forgiveness is one of the most important parts. You gotta change. Forgiveness means nothing without repentance. If we're going to repent, we must seek to actually turn from the behavior or turn from the words or turn from the attitude that inflicted the conflict in the first place.

So maybe you're sitting here and you're like, I've gotten into this conflict, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Well, let me suggest to you, this is where teamwork comes in. You can actually ask the person who you have offended, what can I do differently next time? How can I change? What would make you go from feeling like you're overwhelmed or that you've been attacked to making you feel that you're cared for and loved? Ask the person how you can repent. Suggest ways yourself that you might turn from your sin into life. Or maybe you're the person who's been sinned against. What do you do?

Well not only do we need to be the type of people who learn to seek forgiveness, but we need to learn how to forgive ourselves. Look at me at Ephesians chapter 4 verses 31 through 32. Let all bitterness wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God in Christ forgave you."

Did you notice how much heart work has to happen before you're able to forgive others even as Christ forgave you? Notice You're gonna be tempted towards bitterness. If somebody has sinned against you, you will be tempted toward bitterness. You will be tempted, in verse 31, to wrath. You may be tempted, in verse 31, to anger or to clamor or to evil speaking. You may be tempted toward malice.

We need to be the type of people that when your brother sins against you, when your sister sins against you, that we're the type of people who are able to go to the Lord and ask for Him to make us tender-hearted, even to the people who have harmed us.

And by harmed us, I don't, again, I'm not talking about abuse here. But I need to warn you, right, there's some ways in which our culture misunderstands forgiveness, and so I want to just give you quickly some ways that what forgiveness doesn't mean. Forgiveness doesn't just mean that we end up taking every single problem we've ever had.

You're so quick to try to not be in a conflict, they just say, oh, it's OK, it's OK, I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you. And you just pick up the rug and you sweep it underneath. And before you know it, the coffee table's higher than your head. And you're just like, nothing to see here. We're all OK. Water under the bridge. And everyone who walks around you knows those two ain't OK.

Forgiveness is not just sweeping it under the rug. It's not just pretending it didn't happen. It's also not just forgetting it. I love Isaiah chapter 43 verse 25 because it's such a beautiful picture of God's way of forgiving. Isaiah chapter 43 verse 25, I, even I, Am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake? That means you had a debt and the Lord just took it and He erased the debt. But notice, that blotch is still in the debt book.

He just doesn't look on it anymore. And I will not remember your sins. If God is omniscient, if God knows absolutely everything, how can He forget something? How can He no longer remember something? That means that God is actively choosing every time He looks upon you, He does not see your sin. He purposely puts that behind Him, and He looks at His Son, Jesus Christ. And He remembers the debt has been paid.

Forgiveness, biblical forgiveness is not just forgive and forget. There's real pain, there's real hardship, there's real conflict that really did happen. It shaped you in some way, it made an impact on you. You have little wrinkles in your brain that are stuck there now because you remember it physically. And yet, You have the choice by the power of the Holy Spirit to not think upon that sin anymore, but to say, I have forgotten that sin and I'm remembering Jesus Christ, I'm remembering that I'm loving this person instead. Forgiveness is active, not passive. But forgiveness also, if somebody comes to you and they say, oh, I'm so sorry, will you forgive me? And you work through the conflict and you say, yeah, I forgive you.

It's not like the light goes off. It's not like there's not still baggage from that conflict that's going to affect your relationship. The timeline from healing doesn't necessarily speed up. It may mean that this is going to take a long time to work through and get over stuff. It also doesn't mean that the person who's done the offending, it doesn't mean that they get to come to you and be like, Aren't you just done with that yet? I thought you forgave me. Why aren't you over that by now? I know it takes time for forgiveness to really take hold. Biblical forgiveness is also not conditional. Forgiveness is not conditional. I'll forgive you if... I'll forgive, yeah, love, absolutely, I'll forgive you, but only if you...

No, this is what makes forgiveness itself dangerous. Because when you forgive somebody, you're taking your hands off of it and you're saying, I'm going to trust you that you're going to be in charge of changing it yourself. Matthew chapter 6 verses 14 through 15, Jesus says, If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Why do we forgive each other in the first place? If it doesn't mean that the timeline for healing is sped up, if it doesn't mean that it's just a clean slate automatically, if that's not the case, why forgive at all?

It's because Jesus Christ paid the price of his own blood that we might be forgiven. If we don't forgive, if we're going to be the record keeper of wrongs, if we're going to be the type of people that's like, no, you've done this against me, you've sinned against me, and these are the ways you've done it.

If you're going to keep a ledger like that against people, I think you've forgotten what Jesus teaches us. This was just after the Lord's Prayer. If you can forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Why?

This is the story that Jesus gives in Matthew chapter 18 of the person who's been forgiven 200,000 denarii, right? He's... or 200,000 talents, right? This is an astronomical... like the entire Roman Empire didn't have that much income coming in on a yearly basis.

And yet, a master looks at a slave who has that much debt and he says, you're forgiven. That's us, right? We're the ones forgiven that massive debt. But then what did that debtor do who was forgiven? He went and he found somebody who owed him 200 denarii.

That's a bunch of money, right? We're talking about like 30, 40 grand. That's a lot of money. And he goes and he chokes out that servant, literally puts his hand around his throat and chokes him and throws him in debtor's prison because he refuses to forgive him. Is that how you behave? towards people, right? The debt is real. If somebody owes you tens of thousands of dollars, that's a real debt.

But when we remember that on our side of the ledger, the ink was running deep with red, and God blotted it out and says, I'm not going to remember that anymore. It ought to make us tenderhearted and swift to be able to reconcile with others. So what does forgiveness mean? It means the debtor is no longer charged. When you forgive someone, you wipe the record book clean. You take out the black and you blot out all the red and you say it's done, it's paid for, it's over.

But also means, you know what this is like when somebody starts sinning against you and you start keeping that record book of wrongs and you start I remember hearing a story of a lady who they went to counseling and she she came to counseling with her husband and the counselor said well tell me what the problem is and she pulled out her big three-ring notebook and she said where do you want to start because she had kept a category of every time her husband had sinned or hurt her and she marked it down on the date keeping this record book of wrongs in her heart she held her husband in prison She held it in her heart that until he made every single one of these offenses right, she was going to hold him in captivity. But what actually happened is she held their marriage in captivity, and she held her own anger in captivity. She could never actually let it go.

Right, when we offer forgiveness, we're freeing that person from bondage. And in reality, we free ourself from anger, bitterness, and even victimhood. It also means that when we forgive someone, There's no more resentment or vengeance. And again, that's something you're gonna have to actively fight against. If you forgive someone, you may be the type of person that you have to actively remember, no, I forgave them, and I'm not going to try to see them punished.

You free them from your punishments. And you free yourself from your own prison. It's really hard being the jailkeeper for too long. It's really hard to have any type of relationship when somebody acts as a jailkeeper. Forgiveness also means that you free that person from the past.

You say, I know that this has been the pattern of our relationship. I know that this thing that happened between us is real and it really did hurt. But I am choosing for us to have a different future. I am choosing for us to have a different type of relationship. I am choosing that I'm no longer going to fight with you as my brother or sister. I'm choosing that our marriage is going to look different. I am deciding in our relationship as brothers and sisters in Christ in this church what you said those 15 years ago and man that really hurt me. I don't want to keep holding on to this anymore. I want to actually have fellowship with you. I'm done with holding this bitterness against you.

You free that person from the past, which is the first step towards rebuilding trust. But in all of this, as you offer somebody forgiveness, you got to rely on the Holy Spirit. You've got to rely on the Holy Spirit. This is not something that we just do physically, by ourselves, by the natural man. Notice what it said in verse 23 of Ephesians 4. And be renewed in the spirit of your mind, that you may put on the new man which was recreated according to God in true righteousness and holiness."

That's how we're able to be kind, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as Christ forgave us. So put on Christ, brothers and sisters. As we come into conflict with each other, be those people who are willing to work with one another, talk with one another, rather than fighting at each other. Remember, we're not each other's enemies.

That is what the enemy, what Satan and the world would love us to do. The world would love nothing more than to see the church rip itself apart within fighting. The world would love nothing more, that Satan would love nothing more to see that happen in your marriage and in your family. The world wants you, Satan wants you, brothers, to hate each other. Husbands, to despise and speak down to your wives. Wives, to spurn your husbands and gossip about them. For people in the church to bad talk each other and to rip each other down. But are we going to be a type of people who impart grace and build each other up? Or will we continue to walk in the old man according to the lustful desires of our heart when our eyes were darkened?

Closing Prayer

May the Holy Spirit work in our hearts that we may be like Christ, forgiving one another. Let's pray. Father, we thank you so much that you have forgiven us in Jesus Christ. Father, we pray that we would walk after you. That we may be imitators of you. For you have poured out your love for us. And that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Thank you for the forgiveness we have in Him. May we be those who would be quick to forgive. In Jesus's name.