Confusion about Marriage

Welcome to God's Word for You, a ministry of Sharon R.P. Church in Morning Sun, Iowa. Check us out online at www.sharonrpc.org. We pray that this message will be a blessing to you and that the Lord will use it to transform your faith and your life. This morning we're going to turn in our Bibles to Mark chapter 10.

Mark chapter 10. And I will just let you know, I don't take pleasure in preaching sermons that I know some people aren't going to like and may cause a lot of heart-soul searching. This is exactly why we just go to the next verse. Because sometimes there's things that Jesus teaches us that we just need to look at. So, Mark chapter 10, if you're in your pew bibles, you'll find that on page 893. Mark chapter 10.

I just gotta say, as I was, this week, I went to a restaurant and I sat down at a diner and I was just translating this in the Greek, just working on my first time going through it. And as I was translating out of the Greek in a booth near me, like right next to me, there were people who just sat down and they were talking rather loudly.

You've had that happen before, right? Where it's like, it doesn't matter how much you don't want to pay attention, they're talking so loud it's hard not to pay attention. Well, this is what this group is doing. And it just so happened that they started, literally God's providence as I'm translating this text, started talking about roles within the marriage, problems with the patriarchy, why we need prenuptial agreements, And then they started talking about passport bros. I had never heard this phrase before, passport bros.

Guys who will go to other countries to go and find a wife who actually still upholds traditional marriage values, because they can't seem to find one in America. And I thought, okay, so this is still, these questions are still rolling around in the American mind as well as the Jewish mind during Jesus' time.

So with that, let's look at Mark chapter 10. Then he arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to him again, and as he was accustomed, he taught them again. The Pharisees came and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife? They were testing him. And he answered and said to them, What did Moses command you? They said, Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and to dismiss her. And Jesus answered and said to them, because of the hardness of your heart, he wrote you this precept.

But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. In the house, his disciples also asked him again about the same matter. So he said to them, whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.

Prayer for Illumination

Well, in the reading of God's word there, let's pray. Father, we desperately need you to teach us this morning. Father, we need the clarity that could only come from your Holy Spirit. And we pray, Lord, as we sit at the feet of Jesus Christ, our Lord, our Master, our King, that we would listen, learn, and live. Father, please help us. Please give me clarity and let your people be edified and sanctified in Jesus' name. Amen. And as I was listening, one of the hosts, Charity Nebby, she thought it would be a great idea that they would interview people about marriage. And I thought, oh, this is going to be good. I always like listening to this. And tell us, she said, we're going to only talk to people for advice for marriage who are on their third marriage. And I thought, how did we get here?

Sermon

Let me just encourage you, if you want to laugh, go ahead. look back in their archives for this because it's not stuff that you should it should be like whatever they said don't don't think that right it was it was pretty comical but she was serious and the pharisees are this is a live debate for them versus one and two they come to jesus right he's on the other side of the jordan river loosely called judea right this is uh this is perea most likely and there's multitudes around him and just as like jesus custom whenever there's a whole bunch of people there jesus teaches them And in the midst of his teaching, verse 2, the Pharisees asked Jesus a question. They come and they ask him, is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?

Testing him. It's pretty typical, and this even happens when I'll go to a church and I'm going to preach at another congregation, they don't have a pastor. Guess what everybody wants to do when you sit down for a meal? They want to play quiz the pastor.

I was thinking about this. I was reading this. What do you think about this? And people have all sorts of questions for you. And you're like, guys, I'm just trying to eat some food. And so there is a way in which this is a live question during Jesus' time. There's a debate between different Jewish schools of thought. When is it right to divorce? When is it not right to divorce? What should happen? The guy living at Jesus' time, his name is Josephus, he wrote, Husbands are able to divorce their wives, but women aren't allowed to divorce their husbands.

Divorce... Josephus is an interesting guy. He writes in his own life, I divorced my own wife because I didn't like her behavior. And he says, he that divorces his own wife for any other cause, just make sure he does it in writing, and give assurance that nobody else is going to use his wife. And this is the flippant way that Josephus talks about divorce. It gives us a good insight. There's at least some Jewish people thinking this way.

But there's other, Ben Sirah, who says, if she won't obey you, then go ahead and cut her away from you. One of the other rabbis, Shammai, he said, the only reason why you're allowed to divorce your wife is for unchastity. The school of Hillel said, a man may divorce his wife even over a spoiled meal. Hope you never burn the toast. And another rabbi at the same time, Aqaba, he writes that a man can divorce his wife if he found another fairer than she.

Did you hear that? If you find a prettier girl, go ahead and divorce your wife and go hook up with her. This is a rabbi. This is what people are thinking about when they read Deuteronomy chapter 24. And there's a trap that they're setting for Jesus here, right? We need to remember a few chapters ago. Jesus is most likely in the area of Piraeus. This is not too far away from where his cousin, John the Baptist, had just been in prison.

For what? for telling Herod it wasn't lawful for him to have his brother's wife. What had Salome done? What had Herodias done? She had divorced her husband, Philip, so she could marry Herod. For that reason, John had his head cut off. And now the Pharisees just happen to be asking him this question in that same area where Herod is the king. You allowed to divorce your wife?

What do you think? And notice the verbal jujitsu that Jesus uses in verses three and four. I love this. Jesus often answers a question with a question. And he answered and said to them, he doesn't say anything to them, he just asks them another question. What did Moses command you? And they're really excited to say what they think Moses commanded them. They know the Torah really well. They go straight to Deuteronomy chapter 24. They go to the heart of it.

Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and to dismiss her. Right? So just give her the legal paperwork and cut her loose. Apolliso is just for divorce is literally loosen her and cut them away. Put them away from you. All you have to do is just make sure that you do the legal framework to get this done.

It shows the heart of the Pharisees. This concession in the law for divorce was being used as permission. rather than a safeguard. Those who were divorcing their wives in order that they could marry another was essentially premeditated legal adultery. And it was using the law as a license to sin. Why did God allow divorce at all?

Verse 5, And Jesus answered and said to them, Because of the hardness of your heart, He wrote you this precept. The short answer is sin. Why did God even allow Moses to write down Deuteronomy chapter 24? The short answer is sin. But this is not why God permitted and regulated divorce according to the way they thought about it. Why did God allow divorce in the Old Testament civil laws? Well, for a few reasons.

It was to protect women from abuse. Women could not just be sent away and then be used and abused by other men. It was a protection against sexual immorality. God had given this because history shows time and time again that society that becomes promiscuous in their sexual ethics eventually deteriorates. And so you are not allowed to go and play loose in your sexual ethics and then hide it from your spouse and then get married.

It was a protection of the family. God had given this because of the hardness of their hearts because women needed to have guarantees of protection and provision. There needed to be a way that they had a physical piece of paper to say, no, I legally have a divorce. Children needed guarantees of having a stable home.

God gave a provision of divorce not as a license to divorce, but to protect against their own stubborn hearts. Because out of our own stubborn hearts come sinful desires and behaviors. God gave a provision of divorce because there are times in which spouses will hide secrets of their past. Secrets that they should never have hidden.

God gave a provision for divorce because there are shameful deeds that violate the one flesh union that He established. The meaning of marriage at times because of sexual immorality, when it says in Deuteronomy chapter 24, I'm just going to turn there again because I want to make sure we understand what this is saying. And He has found some uncleanness in her. The idea in the Hebrew there is that there is an unethical deed in the past.

There's something impure in her life that would necessitate this. Something so impossible to reconcile that the only way to move on is to dissolve the marriage. But this is not the way it was supposed to be. This is not the way it was supposed to be.

See, the Pharisees are worried so much about the letter of the law that Jesus says, you really think you know what Moses taught, huh? Let's go to what Moses first taught. Let's go to Genesis chapter 1 and 2. Look with me at verses 6 through 9. But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female. For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man tear asunder.

A few things we need to point out from the very lips of Jesus here, and I hope you'll forgive me. Normally I have very few notes, but I want to be precise in what I'm saying. So there's a few things that I'm going to say to you that if I don't make eye contact, it's not because I'm afraid to, it's because I want to say things carefully to you.

Gender is God's design. God made them male and female. This is from the lips of Jesus. Jesus sees no separation in God's mind between gender and a person's birth sex. Also notice that God made the male and female complementary, made for each other anatomically. God designed male and female bodies to express intimacy, and to create new people as an expression of their oneness. God made them male and female and notice the grammar of verse 7. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.

This is literally God glued them together. It's a passive thing. In the Greek, it's a passive. It's not, they glued themselves together. It's God who knit them together. God made male and female to know one another. Adam knew his wife and they became one flesh.

Sexual intimacy is the highest Intimate sense of physical and emotional vulnerability. This is why it's not to be done flippantly or lightly. Marriage, Jesus is clear here, marriage is not a human construct. Marriage is God's design. God officiated over the first wedding. Notice again, But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female. In verse 9, therefore what God has joined together. This is the Lord's doing. It's the Lord's design. People get married because it's what God has said is beautiful and good.

Now I know some of you aren't married. And that's okay. There are times in which God, by His providence or because of the place on your heart, that marriage isn't what's in the Lord's will. Paul talks about that in 1 Corinthians. But family is God's design.

Tim Keller in his book talks about just the beauty of that design. He has a book on marriage and Tim Keller writes even just about the benefits for children in marriage. Children who grow up and married two-parent families have two to three times more positive life outcomes than those who do not. Two to three times better life outcomes if there's a mom and a dad who stay married. What God has glued together, let no one tear asunder. We ought to preserve the oneness that God intended and created for marriage. And then did and created for marriage. And this is gluing together, right?

There's sometimes, if they've been married for so long, it's hard to imagine them as individuals. When I think in my life, I can't think of Phyllis without Richard. I can't think of Grandma without Grandpa. After 64 years of marriage, they kept their wedding vows till death do them part. You can't imagine them. And it was hard when Grandpa died, and Grandma only lasted about a year without Grandpa.

You know, statistics show that. That the longer couples are married, the higher likelihood that the widow or widower will soon go be with the Lord. Because it's like they're missing their other part, their other half that they've been with for so long. But even in this congregation, you know that as well. If I mentioned Ralph, you would immediately start thinking of Arlene. If I mentioned Paul, you might think of Evelyn. If I mentioned John, it's hard to imagine John without Rosalie. Right? Why? Because it's like whenever you see this person, they're always together.

Marriage is for life, is what Jesus says in verse 9. Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate. It says he's joined them together in verse 9. This is a different word than verse 7. And this is the idea of yoking up paired animals. That you have two animals and they're tied together and they're going to work with each other. This is literally, when we get the idea of getting hitched, it's literally this idea. Two animals yoked together, they're working as a team, one by one.

It's God who marries couples, not the minister, not the state, and not the individuals. This happens because of God's authority. And God specifically says, man shall not then separate them. Divide them up. Break them up. Divorce is splitting up what God has brought together, but this was never the original plan.

We're still in Genesis chapter 1 and 2. The original plan was two people together for life. Marriage, sex, and the plan for procreation was before the fall, while sin and divorce are a result of Adam and Eve's first transgressions. This is why when Olivia and I used to do wedding photography, and this was a pet peeve of mine.

We had nothing to do with people other than helping them plan their day and taking their pictures. But we heard scores and scores and scores of different types of people's vows. And some of them were not vows. Actually, a lot of them who wrote their own vows were not vows. They were just sentimental sayings. But they weren't actually commitments. They weren't vowing anything to each other, they were just expressing how they were currently feeling.

So this is one of the big reasons, right, whether people are, well, when Olivia and I do marriage counseling, we actually try to help coach people on what are your wedding vows going to look like. The traditional vows, there's a reason why the traditional vows, right, I take you to be my, to be my wife, My wedding vow specifically said this, to have and to hold from this day forward for better, for worse, for richer or for poorer, Lord knows Olivia's been through the poorer part, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part. Do you see the absolute commitment?

This is saying, I don't care what happens in our life. I am committed to being there for you. It doesn't matter if I get sick. It doesn't matter if you get sick. It doesn't matter if I lose my job. It doesn't matter if you lose your job. It doesn't matter what happens. We are committed to each other until one of us stops sucking in oxygen. But we often lie to ourselves. Satan's a deceiver and he loves to trick us into thinking things. People will think all the time, if I get divorced I'll be happier. What if I'm not happy in my marriage?

Do I need to stick it out? Well, it's interesting, the studies that have been done on divorce. Long-term studies show that two-thirds of those who are in unhappy marriages, a surprising thing happens. They will become happy within five years if those two people stay married instead of getting divorced. Did you hear that? You might have to slog through five years of unhappiness and working it out in your marriage before you find happiness again. But statistics show the majority of people after that difficult period of time will find their equilibrium in their marriage again, if they stick with it.

It's not a promise, it's just a statistic. Marriage isn't about us, or marriage is about us though, and too often we think of marriage as about me. My wants, my desires, my happiness, am I getting what I should be getting out of this? But here's the thing.

Disney tells you that marriage is about fairy tales and happiness. If your marriage is based upon the other person making you happy, it's not gonna last past the honeymoon. It might not even last through the honeymoon. Marriage isn't about happiness.

Many marriages founded upon the principle of happiness, and they aren't founded upon biblical love. We need to seek biblical joy, and serving the other person in love, not in being happy. I know happiness is the truth, right? There's a whole song for it, it's really fun to clap along with, but it's not the truth. If you're just seeking happiness in your marriage, Your wife is going to suffer, your husband is going to suffer, your children are going to suffer, and the society around us will suffer. Helping and serving one another and not chasing after our own desires, pointing each other to the love of Jesus Christ, is where we'll find fulfillment and longevity in our marriages. But there are people who say, you know, if I just get divorced, life is going to be easier.

Well, again, statistics don't prove it out. Linda Wade, she's a secular researcher, she did a study on divorce, and this is one of the things she said, she said, the study found that an average unhappily married adult who divorced were no unhappier than unmarried, or than unhappy married adults who stayed married when traded on any of the 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was even true after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

Results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold." Did you hear that? No better self-esteem, no happier, no greater life achievement, It's a lie that Satan will whisper into your ears, husbands and wives, if you just get divorced, things will be easier for you. No, they won't.

Actually, study after study after study, research shows the effects of children and on households is there is a decrease in financial stability as a result of divorce. There is a decrease in likelihood of retirement security because of divorce. There is a decrease in access to food because of divorce. There is a decrease in emotional stability as a result of most divorces. There is a decrease in educational rates amongst children because of divorces. And there is, on average, a decrease in reliable housing because of divorces in America.

Do you hear that? If this just happens, life will be easier, but the statistics prove out time and time and time again that especially for the household as a whole, it's not going to be true. Is there ever any grounds? Is there ever any reason that the scripture gives for divorce?

Oh yeah, there's two. There's two. The Bible gives two biblical grounds for divorce. First is sexual immorality. We're running out of time here, so I'm going to list the reference to you. You're more than welcome to go read it for yourself. Matthew chapter 5, verses 31 through 32, as well as Matthew chapter 19, verses 3 through 9.

Sexual immorality is a grounds for divorce. Now, many of your translations are going to say that the reason for divorce is adultery, but the word is more broad than that. It's the word for sexual immorality. And in case we wondered, is this really a true grounds for divorce? Well, God himself went through a divorce.

Jeremiah chapter 3 verse 8. God gives Israel divorce papers for her spiritual adultery. She saw also, because of wayward Israel's adulterous worship of other gods, I sent her away and gave her divorce papers. But still in her unfaithful sister, Judah was not afraid, and she too went and gave herself like a prostitute to other gods. You see, God himself at one point, eventually had to say to the Northern Kingdom, I'm writing you a divorce paper. I'm sending you away. You have so utterly deserted me, connected yourself to the Baal worship and to the Asherah worship that I'm sending you away.

So yeah, there are biblical grounds for divorce, and God himself uses that in Jeremiah 3.8. There's a second one. And that's when an unbelieving spouse deserts their believing spouse.

1 Corinthians 7.15 describes this. And so many will ask the question, well, what does desertion mean? Well, it means not being willing to live with the other person. Now, there's been people, even people who claim themselves to be Christians who will abuse this, right?

I remember a story of a guy who, his wife, she went to her in-laws in another state. She took their son for a couple weeks. And this was just a normal visit, like anybody would expect. And her flight was cancelled. And so, a few days later, she got back on a plane, she came home, and when she came home, the door locks were changed. And the husband said, she deserted me. Sorry, buddy, that doesn't count as dessert that your wife's plane was canceled.

He did this without talking to the elders, with absolute refusal to repent when the elders did confront him about this. This man was not acting as a Christian, and this is not a loophole clause. But Matthew chapter 18, verses 15 through 17 specifically say that the elders of the church may have to step in at times and expose a person who, even though they claim themselves to be Christians, are not acting as Christians. Because of church discipline, it might become known that there is unrepentant sin, and this person has deserted their family, even though they might claim to be a Christian.

This is where I think categories like abuse fit in. There are many who will use this. Many abusers, even in the evangelical church over the decades, have used this and said, see, you can't leave your spouse at all, even if you are being physically abused. Is a man beating his wife? Does that fall under desertion? Yes, I think it does. Because the man has necessitated the desertion.

This is the point at which the cops step in and the elders are called. And by the cops stepping in, I mean us, body of Christ. The civil magistrate, the government, has a place to play in this. It's not just the church. Now, I will say as a church, if wives, children, if there's ever a time in which you are being physically accosted in your house, if you are being attacked, there are multiple elders with guest bedrooms that you can stay in for your safety. Those means are open and they are available. But it's not just physical abuse, it could also be necessity.

I remember reading in the 1800s, a diary of this lady, She went to this house, and this guy is claiming to be a Christian, it's in Scotland, it's the middle of winter, and the guy is such a drunkard that he comes into the house, he takes all the sweaters and blankets out of the house to take them to the pawn shop to sell them so he could buy more alcohol. He exposes his wife and his children to possibly freezing to death so he could continue to drink.

And when the elders confront him, he refuses to repent. That man is no Christian. And this is the point at which the church steps in and say, no, no, until you repent, you're not allowed. And if she files for divorce, you've made it clear you're not going to care for them. You're not going to actually be a husband.

There's stories that go on. Made a fine middle class income, but would only give his wife and children a hundred bucks a month for food and clothing. All the while he spends on whatever hobbies and habits and appetites that he has. He was confronted by the elders. He refused to repent. He didn't want to live with his wife. He was using this as a way to try to drive her out of the house.

Do you see? It doesn't necessarily mean that the unbeliever ups and leaves, but sometimes a person who's behaving like a heathen really does want the other person to leave. There are men and women who cause desertion, even though they're unwilling to leave the physical home. So what about this wronged person? What about this person who is sinned against either by sexual infidelity or because of spousal desertion?

1 Corinthians 7.15 says that person is no longer bound. And when Paul says that, he's saying you're no longer tied to that person. God has loosened that yoke. It's not you who's done it. It's the Lord who says you're no longer bound.

And I do think that that means At that time, that person is able to remarry. But this isn't done alone. Too many times, people just want to make this decision on their own, in their own heart. But this is something that Matthew chapter 18, verse 15, would at the very least say, you need to come to the elders. So you can get other perspectives, other attempts of reconciliation.

But there's a final question with this. Well, maybe two more questions. What about people who didn't get divorced on biblical grounds? Are they allowed to remarry? I'm going to read a little bit of Keller to you here again. I don't agree with kind of how broad this is, and I'll qualify it. But he says, there's little agreement among pastors and biblical scholars on this topic. And the question's complex.

But I think the answer is yes, and then I would underline this part, in some cases, when there has been both inner repentance and public admission of wrongdoing. It's not the unpardonable sin. But we need to be very careful. This is not a topic that we should go into lightly because it's Jesus himself who says whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if a wife, if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. I know this is hard. This is a hard topic.

There are many of you in the congregation who have been married for decades. There's some of you who have been married in here for twice as long as I've been alive. But then there's others of you in here who have gone through divorces, who have suffered at the hands of an unjust spouse, who do still wrestle with this. I pray that the Holy Spirit would work in your heart, that you would heed these words, that they're not just coming from Pastor Brian, but these are, this is God's instructions for his kingdom.

Another question that comes out of this is does sexual immorality or desertion by an unbelieving spouse mean you must divorce them? The answer to that is also no. No. There are some who will try with all their might to remain married to an unfaithful spouse. It's not required, but it is courageous. There are also some who will courageously try for reconciliation for God's glory, even though they know the other person does not deserve it. But there are other times in which there's reconciliation cannot be made, and the most courageous thing and most loving thing for that other person to do is to say, I don't think you are a Christian. And I have to take the children out of this situation. See, all of this is so marred and mucked with sin.

Jesus is bold in his teaching here, but this is not the ideal for his kingdom. The ideal for Jesus's kingdom is a picture of the gospel. Marriage is meant to be a picture of the gospel. It is a picture of Christ and the Church. This is why He uses the picture of the wedding feast of the Lamb, that He invites us to come and to celebrate with Him. This is why He tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. This is why He tells the Church to be submissive to Him as the King. Jesus says, what God has joined together, let no man separate.

And this idea of inseparability is the same language we find in Romans chapter 8. I want you to turn there with me. We're going to close the sermon with how marriage is a picture of the gospel in Romans chapter 8. When Jesus says, let no man separate, in Mark 10 9. He also points out in Romans chapter 8 verse 35.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or peril or sword as it is written for your sake we are killed all day long we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Do you see what Jesus is saying in this passage?

He's saying, you're never gonna be able to find me divorcing you. I'm never going to give up on my love for you. I am committed to my bride. I am committed till death do us part or consummation comes. This is the picture that the gospel is supposed to be. That it is Jesus Christ who has loved us. That we are the Gomer and he's the Hosea. That He's the one who chases us down, loves us, cares for us, and refuses to give up on His people, on His bride. Nothing will ever separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. And by that, He means nothing.

And He is telling you, in your own marriage, Christian, you should seek for that same ideal. That because you love each other that much, nothing is going to come between you and your spouse. The world changes when this is the ideal of marriage. Society is built up, families are strengthened, children are loved, spouses are cared for, homes are developed, a society grows when we hold to a firmly fixed idea of who God is and what he made marriage to be.

Closing Prayer

So Christian, go love your spouse. Cling to them and thank God that he loves you. And nothing can ever separate you from His love. Let's pray. Father, we are so thankful for who You are. And we pray that You would help us to abide in Your love. And that as we abide in You, that we would bear much good fruit in our marriages. Husbands loving their wives. Wives loving their husbands. Families being cared for. Lord, please let this be a testimony, even in our own church, of a place of redemption. A place where we love one another. Please, Lord, do the work of your Spirit, even in the hard days, when it's hard to love. Because, God, we know it's hard for you to love us at times.

We pray these things in Jesus' name. Thanks for listening to this week's message from God's Word for You, a ministry of Sharon R.P. Church in rural southeast Iowa. We pray that the message would be used by God to transform your faith in your life this week. If you'd like to get more information about us, feel free to go to the website, SharonRPC.org. We'd love to invite you to worship with us. Our worship time is 10 a.m. every Sunday at 25204 160th Avenue, Morning Sun, Iowa, 52640. May God richly bless you this week.