I Call You Friends - Part 2

Scripture Reading

Will you please turn in your Bibles with me too. We're going to do John chapter 15. John chapter 15. This continues our sermon on friendship. John chapter 15 beginning at verse 11 through verse 17. John chapter 15, verse 11 through 17. You'll remember last time we got together, we talked about the foundation of friendship being God's love for us and His command that we love one another. And so here in John chapter 15, verses 11 through 17, we'll read God's Word again.

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends. You are my friends. If you do whatever I command, No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing. But I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from my father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you. You should bear fruit. and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in my name, He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another.

Prayer for Illumination

The grass withers and the flowers fade, but brothers and sisters, the word of our God endures forever. Let's pray. Father, we thank you so much for your word, and we pray, Lord, as we have heard your word read, we pray that your Spirit would do a work in our hearts now, that we might receive your word, it might take root in our hearts, and that we might bear good fruit to love one another as you have loved us. Lord, only your spirit can do this. So please help us, Lord, make your word effectual in our lives. In Jesus' name, amen. Well, we're picking up halfway through the sermon, and so if you have your sermon outlined, we've already kind of covered the foundations. That was last week of the love that God has shown us, specifically in Christ Jesus.

Sermon

And now we get into kind of the nitty-gritty of how do we work in friendships in the church? How do we cultivate those friendships? How do we maintain those friendships? And so first we come to the third point in the sermon, continuing off the last time, that we need to care for one another. We need to care for others. Christian friendship is built on this love, but it's not just a sentimental feeling love. It's not just a binding in Christ, but it's a love that actually works itself out in caring for others. Jesus showed this really clear in his life.

Not only did Jesus care for so many people who were sick and who were needy, who were hungry, and he cared for them physically, But we remember Jesus in John chapter 11, when He was close friends with Mary and Martha and their brother Lazarus, and Lazarus died.

And when Jesus came to Lazarus' tomb, the shortest verse in the English Bible, verse 35, Jesus wept. And the Jews around there noticed this in verse 36. They looked at Jesus and His reaction to Lazarus' weeping. And notice what they say, see how he loved him. John writes this to let us know that even the Jewish people around could tell that Jesus was friends with Lazarus and he loved him as a friend. He wept with him and people could see his love.

Jesus models that love for us time and time again. In Mark chapter 10 verse 45, Jesus says, for even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many. Part of being a good friend to others inside the Christian community is to serve them like Jesus served the church. But Jesus didn't just say this in a vacuum. Jesus said this as He was washing His disciples' dirty, nasty, stinky feet.

He saw a need that they had, that they weren't shown this custom, this ordinary custom, that when somebody walked into a house during this time in life... I mean, you wore sandals, and it was dirty, and you were sweaty, and your feet... It's similar to when I was in India. When you walk into a house in India, you don't wear your shoes inside the house. Because you know what you walked in in the street. So you take your shoes off before you walk in. Well, if you're wearing sandals, what do you got to do? You can't just take your sandals off. You got to wash your feet too. And normally there'd be a servant there washing their feet. Nobody does this for his Jewish disciples. And so what does Jesus do? Jesus sees their need and he serves them. He washes his disciples' feet in John chapter 13. But Jesus does more than just that.

Even when He is about to be betrayed and He's about to die, in John chapter 17, Jesus shows how much of a friend He is, that even though He's facing death, Jesus prays for His friends. We're in John chapter 15 here, but this is right before Jesus is going to die. And before Jesus actually goes to the cross, He's got something on His mind. And what's on His mind is His friends, His disciples.

And so He prays for them. I'd encourage you sometimes, think about how Jesus thinks about his disciples as friends, maybe this afternoon or this evening, and go read John chapter 17 and see the love that Jesus has for them in his prayer. Well, this model of caring for others shows itself out, and especially praying for others, not just in Jesus, but also in Paul's model. Paul shows us his model of prayerful love and caring for the people and his friends in Ephesus.

Ephesians 1.15-16 Paul says, Therefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and your love for all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers. Paul loves the people in Ephesus.

He was their pastor, their missionary pastor, for a number of years. And he prays for them regularly as he's encouraged by their faith growing. But not just Ephesus, if we get to the book of Philippians, chapter 1, verse 3, we find Paul doing the same thing again. Paul was not just a hit-and-run missionary. He wasn't just going to come into a town, share the gospel, and leave. He established relationships with people.

And we find that in Philippians 1, verse 3 and 4. I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer, making requests for you all with joy. Even though they may be far away, Paul keeps this bond, this friendship with the people in Philippi, letting them know, hey, I keep hearing about things that are going on with you, and I'm thanking God for what's going on in your life. He's praying for them, remembering them. He does the same with the people in Colossae. Colossians chapter one, verse three. We give thanks to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, praying always for you.

I can't tell you how much it means to me when some of you, my friends in the congregation, will just send me a quick text message and say, hey, I was praying for you today. It means a lot to people when you just let them know, hey, I'm praying for you. Or ask me, how can I be praying for you? But why?

Because this is showing the compassion of Jesus. Paul goes on in Philippians 1, verse 8, with having the compassion of Christ, and he says, For God is my witness, how I greatly long for you all with the affection of Christ Jesus. Christian friendship is based on caring for one another that comes from a heartfelt compassion.

This is like feeling it down in your kidneys. This is my favorite Greek word, splachnon, right? This is loving each other truly, not just like, hey, it's nice to see you, right? Not that type of friendship, but really loving each other type friendship.

I think I'll warn you, there are companions who are critics and there are friends who are compassionate. I need to warn you here, because you know what it's like for people who seem like they have compassion, but really they just like to be with people because they want to put in their two cents.

We get a great picture of this with Job's friends, don't we? We get his three companions who come alongside him, and they're there for a certain amount of time, but eventually their patience wears off. And then it becomes the critiquing of every single thing he must have done wrong in his life. They may be his companions, they may be there with him, but they certainly aren't acting like his friends.

If you're going to be friends with someone, you've got to watch that your tendency may be towards being highly critical. You may be too judgmental. We may be even those types of people who are just... We're too quick to voice our own opinions about stuff. Good friends know what it's like to temper their tongue a little bit. Why? Because we want to be those who are an encouragement. If you're going to be a good Christian friend, that looks like being one who is about encouraging and imparting grace.

That's Ephesians 4.29. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it might impart grace to the hearers. Now I want to highlight a specific word there. One is we want to encourage people, yes. We want to impart grace to people, yes.

But notice the phrase there in Ephesians 4.29, but what is good for necessary edification.

You may have words that you think you want to say to someone because you want to build them up But it may not be necessary. That may not be what they need at that moment. They may need you just to be there and weep with them, just to be there and encourage them.

Now, this doesn't mean you're not ever going to say anything hard. Actually, one of my favorite examples of this, of doing this well, is actually Kyle Borg, the pastor of Winchester, Kansas. Every once in a while, when I'm with him, he'll be talking, and I'll say, now I'm going to say something to you, and it's going to be really hard. And he'll just let me know that I'm about to critique you, and you may not like it. But I need you to know that I love you. So I'm saying this because I want to build you up.

And so it doesn't mean that you don't ever say anything hard. Sometimes you need to, but you need to make sure that it's seasoned with grace and encouragement. If you're going to be a good Christian friend, it doesn't mean that you just brush their sin underneath the rug either.

That's not what Ephesians 4.29 is talking about. It also doesn't mean that you have to lose your spine of biblical conviction. To be somebody's friend doesn't mean you have to give up on what the Bible teaches.

That's not what Ephesians 4.29 is saying either. But it does mean we need to check our tongues sometimes. Sometimes it means that we need to check our tone.

One of the things we're often working in our family is, and this goes for me too just this morning, how you say something can be almost as important as what you say. This morning I wounded one of our kids' hearts just by asking the question, what? In the wrong tone. I wasn't mad at the child, I wasn't trying to tear them down, but boy, it put the kid in a tailspin for about an hour. So we've got to be careful with our tone.

It means if we're going to be friends who are about encouragement and imparting grace, we need to be able to check our motives. Why am I saying or doing what I'm about to say or do? Is it actually to impart grace? Am I actually giving them necessary edification? It means that when we have things to say, that they're for the glory of God and the good of the person who we're talking to. So we need to be encouragements to each other. imparting grace to one another, but being a Christian friend also sometimes means sticking your neck out for them. It might also mean being willing to risk for each other.

It's what Paul commends Priscilla and Aquila for in Romans chapter 16. Paul says in Romans 16, specifically verse 4, that they risked their own necks for my life, to whom not only I give thanks, but also all the churches of the Gentiles." Paul knew that Priscilla and Aquila were true friends because they were willing to stick out their necks for him. They were willing to risk for him.

And the same thing happened in Philippians chapter 2 with Epaphroditus. Epaphroditus is sent by the church of Philippi to go to minister to Paul, And something happened on that trip in verse 26. He says, Epaphroditus was longing for you all Philippians, and he was distressed because you had heard that he was sick. For indeed he was sick and almost unto death, but God had mercy on him, and not only on him, but also on me, lest I should have been swallowed up in sorrow. Because for the work of Christ, he came close to death, not regarding his own life, to supply what was lacking in your service to me." Paul specifically held up Epaphroditus as a true servant and a true friend. Why? Because he was willing to stick out his neck. He was willing to go on a hard journey. He was willing to go take these funds to Paul that the people loved, so he could continue on with gospel ministry. And it proved Epaphroditus' love.

So we need to be those who are willing to care for one another in practical ways. But also number four, point number four of the sermon, we need to take a genuine interest in others. We need to take a genuine interest in one another. Now, there's a thing that kind of happens in reformed churches. You may have that you're almost like, instead of being friends, you're kind of like co-combatants in theology. It's like, we're here because we got the right theology and we gotta fight everyone else who doesn't. It may stick you together for a little while, but it's not a glue of friendship that's going to last for the entire duration.

Now I'm going to encourage you, yes, talk about theology, talk about the depths of theology, go to Sunday school and talk about all these things, but also know each other's kids names. Know what people's in the church's jobs are. Know about their families. Know about their hobbies. Be curious about them. Cultivate that art of being a good listener. Finding out about who they are and the things that they love. What are they good at?

That's one of the ways that we cultivate good Christian friendships. But also share your lives with one another. I'm going to pick this up in a minute in the next point, but part of building a friendship with people in the church means, especially in a church like ours where people are commuting from long distances, sometimes it means you got to put some miles on the tires and you got to go see some friends. You got to actually put a date on the calendar and say, hey, we're coming over for a barbecue on such date. Right? You got to actually make an effort for those friendships. So share your lives with one another.

But I'm going to warn you here. that as you share your lives with one another, as you get to know one another and spend time with one another, as people open up to you, they tell you things about themselves that make something very dangerous. And that's something that is in each of our hearts that we could be tempted to do, and that's gossip.

Nothing will destroy your friendship with someone more than becoming a tail-bearer or a whisperer. If you want to be somebody's friend, But then you want to whisper about them behind their back. It's going to destroy the friendship. Proverbs 16, verse 28 says, A perverse man sows strife, and a whisperer separates the best of friends. If you're the type of person who's whispering behind people's back, it tears apart friendships.

And this is one next that I want to bring up that I think is important. Know each other's names. I'm always shocked when we get to the Bible, and we get to places like Romans chapter 16. You know, where it's got the whole list of names. Greet this person, greet this person, this person, this person, greet this person, this person. And then we get to the next book, 1 Corinthians 16, and it ends the same way. Greet this person, and this person, and this person, and this person. And if you're like me, sometimes your eyes start glazing over, and you just realize, I think I can just skim this chapter.

How did Paul remember all those people's names? How did Paul remember those people? Not just in Rome, not just in Corinth, but also in Ephesus, 2 Timothy chapter 4 does the same thing, as well as in Colossae, Colossians chapter 4. Time and time again, the Apostle Paul speaks of people by name, greeting them by name.

How did he know their names? Nonetheless, know their names and remember them years later, because he was friends with them, because he loved them, because he cared about them. If you were to leave the church, you move to another state, give it 10 years, could you write a letter back to somebody in this congregation and say, greet and list at least 10 names by name? Are we developing those relationships?

This is not just biblical wisdom. I think there's even just the world knows this type of wisdom. Dale Carnegie in one of his books writes, remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. You know what it's like when somebody calls you by the wrong name.

Or even worse than that, you've been talking to them for a while in the church and they just keep calling you brother or sister and you sit there after a while and you're like, I wonder if they actually know my name. It happens in a church. And it's difficult, right? Because remembering someone's name takes time. This is a confession for you.

There was a time in which I was at Eastville RP Church, and there was a visitor who came in, and I talked to this guy for like 5-10 minutes. We had a nice cordial conversation, and we went to worship. After worship, he was gone. Micah came up to me, my pastor, and said, Hey, what was his name? I said, I don't know, Micah. And Mike had just very nicely asked me, and he was just kind of asking out loud, pondering, not trying to convict me, but it sure did.

He said, I wonder if we don't remember people's names because we don't actually love them enough. And I realized I didn't even care if that guy came back to church the next week. I remembered a little bit about him, but I didn't love him enough to actually truly care about him.

Knowing each other's names is a Christian virtue, and it's a way that you show that you want to build a bond of friendship with someone. Know each other's names. Even just look at the titles of some of the books in the New Testament. Timothy, Titus, Philemon. Paul knew people's names. Do we know each other's names?

Number five on building friendships in the church, this is where I'm going to kind of get more nitty-gritty, is practical ways to build friendships. Number one, and I think this is a very helpful one, pray for it. Ask God to bring you friends in the church. He knows that we want friends. We know that from our sermon last week, He wants us to have friends. And so pray that prayer, and God will listen.

1 John 5.14. Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He does hear us. If we know that this is something God wants for us and we pray it, then I believe that God will hear that prayer.

Maybe not in the timing that we want it, maybe not the way we want it, maybe not even the friend you think you want. He may provide a different friend that you weren't even looking for. But secondly, one of the great ways to build friendships in the church is come to church.

Weakly worship together, Hebrews 10, verses 24 and 25, and let us consider one another, in order to stir up love and good works, not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the day approaching. Don't forsake. It's easy to get into the habit of not coming to worship. It's easy to come into the habit of just coming to worship, but not expecting to encourage one another and stir one another up towards love and good deeds. It's easy to make church something about that you are consuming, rather than a body that you're building into. So stick around. Stay for a meal. If you see people at the back of the church or in the aisles, and there's a group of people and they're just talking, right?

And you don't know how... I want to go talk to those people, but I don't know how. Just go stand on the edge of the circle and just wait a little while. And eventually somebody will say, hey Bob, what do you think about this? And they'll just invite you in. I don't think there's a Bob in the congregation, which is why I use that name, right? But the point is, people want you to be a part of the conversation, so stick around.

And it may be scary. Sometimes making friends with people you don't know can be really scary. That's okay. Ask God for the opportunity and ask God for the courage to step into those friendships. But number three, this might sound silly, but I think there's biblical warrant for it. Be friendly. If you want to have friends in the church, be friendly. You might say, how can you possibly have biblical warrant for that statement? Be friendly. Oh, I'm glad you asked. Proverbs chapter 18, verse 24.

A man who has friends must himself be friendly. But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. If you want to have friends, God gives us a simple wisdom that we need to be friendly ourselves. But then that friendship can turn into such a way that then you end up with having a friend who will stick even closer than a brother. Jesus proved that to be true in that he was willing to even lay down his life for his friends. See, the truth is it's hard to be friends with a curmudgeon. It's not totally impossible, but it is difficult.

So how do you be friendly? Smile at people. Smile at people. It makes you approachable. And you might say, well, here's just Brian going off on whatever, right? No, hold on. Proverbs chapter, again, it's a very practical book. A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart, the spirit is broken. It's hard to be around somebody who's always dour. It's just difficult. And I know some of us have natural dispositions where it's just hard to be around. Some of you, especially if you're in pain, it's hard to smile, right?

I get it. I'm not telling you to brush that underneath the rug or just ignore it. But try to smile and people may want to come around you more. Another I would just suggest to you, and this is not the Bible, this is just Brian. Maybe sometimes we're really good at talking about theology, but not so good about just giving each other encouragement. giving each other compliments. I'm not talking about just vain flattery, right? But if somebody does a good job, just encourage them.

Lastly on this, on being friendly, I'm just going to encourage you. Another way to be friendly is don't wait for others to reach out to you. Be proactive if you want to have friends in the church. On next, on how do we build practical ways to make friends, do things together. Do things together. Do you have shared hobbies? Do your hobbies together. Are there shared interests? Do you like to do crafts?

By all means, start a crafting group. Ask somebody to go quilting with you, or go visit quilting stores, or help you do whatever quilting people do. I don't know what you guys do, but have those groups, do those things. If there's certain topics that you're interested in, go to conferences together, go to lectures together. You hear about something going on. If you're into a certain genre of music and you know somebody else is in, in the churches into that same genre. Ask them if they want to go to that concert with you that you want to go to. Go to outings together. Invite people to go watch that movie with you.

Have a game night at your house. There are plentiful ways in which you can encourage interaction and friendship with each other. A biblical one of this is the word for hospitality in the Greek is xenophilios. Love of the stranger. If you're trying to make a friend with someone who's a stranger, one of the things you can do is invite them over to your house. Just have them for a meal. Invite them over for dinner. So those are just some practical things you can do for doing together, for building up friends. But I'm also going to encourage you to share in one another's needs.

Friendship is a vulnerable relationship that goes two ways. Nobody wants to be the friend of someone who's just constantly wanting, wanting, wanting, taking, taking, taking, but sometimes it's also hard to be friends with somebody who doesn't ever actually open up themselves and lets you help them. Vulnerability in Christian friendship is seen all throughout the Bible. Sometimes we have to open up about the difficulties we're facing and that's hard and it can be scary, but it's one of the ways that God deepens our relationships. There's a book written on biblical counseling for keys on friendship. And it lists some of these keys that I think are helpful to us. Helping others verbalize their feelings as you come into those relationships with others.

Step into the mess. I get a sense that you're hurting. What's going on? You know, when I wounded one of my kids this morning, one of you went to them as they came to church and they were pretty sad, and one of you said, it looks like you're having a hard day. You may think that that's a small thing, but that shows another person in the church that you're compassionate towards them, that you've noticed their countenance is downcast and you want to step in. And that person gave this child a hug just to let them know, hey, I'm here for you. I ask people, has something difficult happened lately?

It seems like you're a little bit off. What's going on? How do you feel about what's going on in your job? It seems like that would be difficult. I wouldn't want to deal with that. What's going on? You might even just make the simplest statement. I want you to know that I care for you.

Proverbs chapter 27 verse 9 says, Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friends springs from his earnest counsel. There's pleasantness that wells up as friends encourage us with their counsel. One of the other things that God gives us in Romans chapter 12 verse 15 in Christian friendship is that we get to suffer with one another. But we also get to rejoice with each other. Romans chapter 12 verse 15 tells us, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Paul is writing to the church in Rome and he wants them to have these relationships with each other, whether they're Jew or Gentile, they're now one family saved by grace with that same spirit of adoption in their heart that cries out, Abba Father. And so when they have something that's going on in their life that's worth celebrating, their friends in the church come around, they celebrate, they rejoice with them. But when there's hard things and there's grieving things and there's weeping things, friends are also able to be able to come alongside and weep with those who weep. And so suffer and rejoice one another. Seventhly, in these practical notes, is praying regularly for each other.

You know, when the Lord gives us the Lord's Prayer, it's not, my Father who is in heaven, hallowed be your name. Give me my day, my daily bread. But it doesn't use the first person. It uses the first person singular. It uses the plural. Our Father who's in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. Forgive us our transgressions.

As we pray regularly for one another, we remember that bond of friendship. So how are you able to do this? Well, on the back by the sign-in, you know, if there's a guest book back there, there's a whole bunch of prayer calendars. Pick up a prayer calendar and just work through the prayer calendar. Remember people in the church. Make a prayer list. Pray through the directory. The point is to pray with and for one another. Eighth practical step of friendship, stay in contact with each other. We've already talked about visiting one another and things like that, but sometimes you don't have all that time, that's okay.

Call the person, text them, shoot them an email, whatever. I don't know, maybe you're the Snapchat type people. I don't know what you do, but get a hold of people and let them know, hey, I'm thinking about you, how you doing? There's that funny thing you remember that you saw online, that reform meme that you thought was hilarious. Send it to one of your friends, let them laugh with you. But I want to end with this. There's a reality check. We've been talking a lot about friendship these last two weeks. There's a lot that's joy-filled here. But the reality check is you're not going to be friends with everybody in the church. Why? Because personalities don't always match perfectly. You can't be best friends with everyone in the church or else no one would actually be your best friend.

And friendship costs. There are two extremely valuable resources in this life. Time and money. And one of them you can never make more of. You'll never make more time. You'll just never make more time. The Lord sets how much you have. And when you decide that you want to make a friend with someone, you need to count the cost. Because it's going to cost you something you can never get back. You'll never get back your time. But it's worth it.

But also another reality check is, you can't expect everybody in the church to like you either. Let's just be honest. I don't like me a lot of times, and my wife doesn't like me a lot of times. Why would I expect all of you to like me? You don't need everybody in the church to like you. But you have friends, just a couple, who could encourage you and share grace with you.

And understand also that friendships don't stay stagnant. Relationships mold and change and morph over time. There are some people who will be closer in one season and less close in other seasons. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes the Lord brings us friends that are strong and we desperately needed them at this time in life and they were a gift from God to us. And then they get busy and life changes or they move. And that's understandable.

But there's also another reality check, a warning that I want to give you, is that you might have a temptation in friendship to try to find in friendship with others horizontally, that at the end of the day, you could only find that fulfillment vertically with God.

You cannot have all your worldly needs fulfilled by friends. Thank the Lord for Jesus. So don't look to your friends to satisfy all your needs for love, significance, or security. That type of identity, peace, and security could only come from Jesus. So I want to just end this long two-part sermon on friendship with just encouraging you. Friendship is a gift from God.

Friendship in the church is a blessing from God himself. It's so beautiful when brothers and sisters in the church dwell together in unity. The only picture that God gives us for that at the height of it in the Psalter is Psalm 133. That when brothers and sisters dwell in the church in unity, when we have this type of heart-knit love for one another, It's as beautiful as that pregnant point in the Old Testament when Aaron himself was ordained to the office of priesthood. Why? Because that meant reconciliation vertically. There's a way for the Israelites to be made right with God. And in our friendships with each other, it shows that that vertical relationship is working itself out horizontally amongst each other. So strive to have Christian friends, pray for Christian friends, do what you need to cultivate those Christian friendships.

Closing Prayer

And when the Lord gives you those friendships, thank him because they're a blessing from him. Let's pray. Lord, we thank you that you have not treated us like a tyrant over servants, but you have given us your son. And our Lord calls us friends. Lord, we pray that you would help us, fill us with your spirit in such a way that we would love one another. Lord, we pray that you would cultivate deep friendships in the church. Lord, we pray that there would be friendships cultivated within the various generations, children with children, and midlife with midlife, and elderly with elderly, but also cross-generational as well. Lord, we pray that you would develop friendship, mentor relationships that would encourage. Lord, we pray that you would please give us this blessing of having Christian friendships even in this own congregation. We pray these things in Jesus's name.